Relationship Renovation, Part 4
Introduction
Ephesians 4:1–3 (ESV) 1 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
Strong Relationships are built on love, grow with patience, deepen through forgiveness, and are sustained by humility
Strong Relationships are “sustained by humility.”
For strong and healthy relationships to be maintained over a long period of time, they must be sustained by our hearts remaining humble. If we are self-centered, our relationships will deteriorate over time. Maintaining a unity of the Spirit is only possible when we are willing to set our selfishness aside, and in humility serve one another.
Philippians 2:1–4 (ESV) 1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.
“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it’s thinking of yourself less.” ~ C.S. Lewis
Humility is not being “self-oriented,” which will look like being self-absorbed, putting yourself at the center of your life and every conversation; putting your wants, your needs, your desires at the center of your life. But humility is also not being “others-oriented” either, putting their wants, needs, or desires at the center of your life or every conversation. Humility is being “God-centered”, putting His wants, His needs, His desires at the center of our lives, which will make us conscious and mindful of others. Because God is love, we then in turn will love others if we are centered and focused on Him.
Humility is not demanding conformity from others, demanding they shift who they are simply because of your preferences or desires or personality. Humility is learning how to be secure in who you are and who God made you to be, and who He is transforming you to be, while loving and serving others as God made them, and who God is transforming them to be.
Humility is neither arrogance nor insecurity, but a peaceful confidence in God.
Philippians 2:1–4 (MSG) If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care—then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.
Practices for Humility: Repentance, hidden acts of service, generosity, gratitude, listening
Serving By Listening
The deepest needs of the human heart are to be loved, to be known, and to be needed. Feeling “known” is to feel heard and understood, feeling connected to someone. Most people do not feel cared about or fully heard, so they tend to talk excessively and listen poorly, which ends up developing shallow relationships.
A key aspect of sustaining strong and healthy relationships is how well we humble ourselves and serve each other. Showing love to one another and serving each other can look many different ways, but one of the most impactful ways we serve one another in humility is meeting those deep needs of being known and understood is listening well to one another.
There is a difference between listening and tolerating the other person talking.
Listening is an underrated skill. Simply put, you have to put the effort into listening if you want to nurture a connected relationship. This requires work and patience to improve this skill. It also requires you to “unhurry” yourselves when it comes to important conversations.
James 1:19 (NLT) Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
Listening actively means that you are not a passive hearer, disengaged, only “tolerating your spouse talking.” We have to be willing to look beyond just the surface level of communication, just quickly exchanging words. The skill of listening actively may take time to build if you are poor at it. But we are called to lean into the grace of Jesus when we are weak.
1 Peter 5:5b (ESV) …Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
To the talkers in the room, it is ok that you are prone to using a lot of words. But to maintain a healthy and strong relationship, equal effort will be needed to listen as well as speak. To the quiet ones in the room, being quiet doesn’t automatically mean you are a good listener. You can grow in your listening skills, but for a relationship to be strong, you also have to be willing to communicate in such a way that you are understood as well.
Each conversation is unique, and the context of the conversation matters. There is a place for just simply exchanging information, or a shallow relational touchpoint. At work, there are different levels of conversation and methods. But today, the focus of this message is on the relationships that we are wanting to build strong and healthy; the personal relationships that mean something in our lives. In this context, there are at least three main ways we listen in conversation. These are like levels or gears. The first gear is pretty selfish and “grinds” the relational engine if kept in this gear too long.
Listening to Respond
At this level, or in this gear, the attention very much remains on you, as the listener: “How does this affect me?” Is the question that is maintained in your mind. In this gear, you are just listening to what’s “wrong” and what needs to be fixed, especially if you think it is the other person.
Proverbs 18:13 (GW) Whoever gives an answer before he listens is stupid and shameful.
Proverbs 18:13 (MSG) Answering before listening is both stupid and rude.
When you are just listening to respond, you are thinking more about what you want to say, or just winning your point. In this mode of listening, you are contributing almost nothing to the health of the relationship. The relationship gets no stronger or healthier when you are simply listening in order to respond to what is said. It takes no humility, and does little challenge your pride, and is no act of serve when we listen to someone this way. It’s not that you have nothing to say in a conversation, but simply listening in this gear will not make for strong relationships.
Listening to Understand
At this level or gear, you are listening for possibility, remaining open to new ideas and perspectives. In an exercise of humility, you are not assuming you have the superior knowledge or understanding in the conversation, you remain open to learning something new, whether something new about the subject or something new about the person speaking. The attention is on the other person, which is exercising humility in love and care; and you are listening for deeper meaning, wants, and needs that are in them.
Proverbs 18:2 (NLT) Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.
Proverbs 18:2 (TPT) Senseless people find no pleasure in acquiring true wisdom, for all they want to do is impress you with what they know.
When we listen to understand, we are being willing to hold our attachments or our judgments very loosely. We have to be mindful of the chatter that happens in between our ears when we are listening to what someone is saying.
Proverbs 18:15 (NLT) Intelligent people are always ready to learn. Their ears are open for knowledge.
Proverbs 18:15 (MSG) Wise men and women are always learning, always listening for fresh insights.
Tips for “Listening to Understand”:
Ask open-ended questions
Ask clarifying questions
Avoid listening autobiographically
Listen without deciding
Listen with “Curiosity, Care, & Concern”
Correction may be necessary, but only after you have a sense of understanding the person first, and even then, you will need to listen at a deeper level if correction is ever to be effective.
Listening to Connect
The ultimate goal of our listening is to have a real and genuine connection with the person speaking. Strong and healthy relationships are based on the level of connection you have with that person. Humbly listening contributes greatly to the level of connection you have at the the heart level.
Matthew 12:34b (ESV) For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.
We must learn to listen for what the other person is trying to say, listening to the heart, not just the words. And when you both can put your heart into the conversation, you each need to treat it as something precious. Safety in the conversation is vital for there to be deep connection in conversation. Strong and healthy relationships should be a safe place to open your heart. Treat the opening of our hearts with tender care. Make it safe for the other person to open their heart for you by listening deeply for connection.
Listening for the heart, not just to the words, creates safety in the conversation.
Strong and healthy relationships should be a safe place to open your heart, so treat the opening of our hearts with tender care.
Ephesians 4:29-32 (ESV) 29Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Tips for “Listening to Connect”:
Maintain good eye contact and a relaxed posture
Be authentically interested
Go through the doors that they open
Listen to the person speaking, not just the words being used
Listen to what is being said as well as what is not being said
Use silence well to build trust and allow the other person to be vulnerable
Conclusion
Listening well goes a long way in building healthy and strong relationships. But all of these are necessary these relationships to remain so over a long period of time. This is what Jesus calls us to, and healthy relationships in a world of hate and isolation is a great witness to work and transformation of Jesus in our lives.
Strong Relationships are built on love, grow with patience, deepen through forgiveness, and are sustained by humility
1 Peter 3:8 (ESV) Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.
John 17:21 (ESV) that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.